Does anything say summer more than eating ice cream? Well, perhaps being talked into trying a different flavor of ice cream only to hear your stomach scream, “How could you do this to me?! Even after I let you eat and pass all those Duplo bricks as a kid!” For most of us that just means taking an ill-advised chance on Rum Raisin. But the following flavors test not only one’s gag reflexes but the very notion of ice cream itself as edible food…
Dracula Ice Cream
When you see the name “Dracula” on a pint of ice cream the most immediate question “Wait, is it for Dracula or to scare him away?” Because if it’s the former, then you’re looking at a container of universal donor blood or maybe a still writhing rat. But if it’s the latter, you’re eating either frozen holy water or garlic. And as you probably guessed by the little illustration on the container, this is indeed garlic ice cream. It’s made in Shingo Village, a small Japanese town known not only for growing so much garlic they clearly have to shove it in everything to risk from being crushed under the crop, but also for it’s actual claim that it’s the true burial site of Jesus, who they say moved there after his brother took his place on the cross and then lived to the ripe old age of 106. Perhaps his long life was due to all that garlic. Perhaps because a lot of people are actually named Jesus the town just got confused. Or perhaps the constant garlic just drove everyone there insane.
Salad Ice Cream
Who doesn’t like cool ice cream on a hot summer day? No one! And who doesn’t like a crisp, fresh salad on a hot summer day? Well, apparently quite a few people, to the point you often find yourself saying, “Calm down already! The salad is just a side dish! There are still burgers. After all, this is a BBQ. But would it kill you to try some mesclun salad once in a while?” Well, apparently someone decided to combine the food everybody loves with the food most people begrudgingly eat and create something no one can make direct eye contact with. After all, few want to keep their eyes open after that initial glimpse of vegetable chunks swimming in French vanilla. The end result is something your grandfather would create long after dementia has set in but he’s still allowed to man the kitchen despite the fact he now always answers the phone with “Hot Banana here! What’s your six?”
Sometimes an animal logo is just that—a logo. After all, when you see Tony the Tiger on a box of Frosted Flakes you expect corn flakes and eventual diabetes, not sugarcoated jungle cat. And sometimes an animal logo is a direct visual representation of the product’s main ingredient. Such is the case here. That’s a drawing of a horse on the ice cream’s lid. We should probably keep moving…
Bubble Yum Ice Cream
Many of us might recall that Simpsons episode in which Homer exclaims, “I’m a white male age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!” only to then whip out a can of “Nuts and Gum.” Well, the taste test audience for Breyers Bubble Yum Ice Cream was probably far younger and even more likely to throw out flavor suggestions like “Gum!” or “Farts and death!” or “Put my earwax in it!” As you can see from the above photo, the ice cream does indeed contain chunks of bubble gum…or aquarium gravel…or the severed tips of both human and Smurf fingers. Add the fact that suddenly blowing and popping something right in the middle of eating is like bursting an inside mouth pimple full of pus in mid-chew and you have a frozen treat that probably even the four-year-olds at that first taste test audience wanted to strike down in favor of “What’s between my toes!”
Fish & Chips Ice Cream
Maybe while reading this list you’ve been thinking, “What, no cheeseburger ice cream? No hot dog ice cream? No KFC Bowl ice cream?” Well, America might have dropped the flavor ball but England quickly picked it up (or more likely kicked it) and proudly introduced what one can only assume is an appetizer to their eventual “beans on toast popsicle.” Featuring fried cod-flavored ice cream with potato ice cream chips along with salt, vinegar, and a wedge of lemon (all of which may also have been ice cream if the chef hadn’t been eventually subdued and sedated), this dessert is just the thing for those who want a taste of merry old England but don’t realize they could have just done that with delicious Cadbury chocolate instead.
WWF Superstars of Wrestling Ice Cream Bars
Okay, let’s admit it. This one is a cheat. There is actually nothing wrong with the flavor of this particular ice cream. The only problem is you have to either lick or chew your way through Hulk Hogan to get to the “creamy vanilla,” a rather daunting task that not only doomed this tie-in product but may be the very reason the WWF changed its name to the WWE to distance itself forever from this frozen fiasco.